Category: recovery

Gettin’ pretty tired of being the bad guy…

Gettin’ pretty tired of being the bad guy…

another rough day including a crushing reminder why i’ve had more than one bout of ambivalence with AA. simply put. there are times for rote platitudes and there are times when it doesn’t advance or help the persons struggle.

after 14 years, this last time, and numerous attempts for the greater part of 30 years. don’t you think i already know “they can only help themselves when they’re ready.” or “all you can do is say a prayer for them.” and the real humdinger “just keep coming…” as if i already don’t know my fucking way around the recovery block. get bent mister i talk while other people are sharing and i scan hot chicks on my crap boost pos on insta cuz i’m above this whole meeting stuff. seriously? back the fuck off…now.

i drifted away from AA more than a few years ago because i got tired of not being able to find people who can simply talk without using the AA lingo and verbiage as a crutch. for a program that’s supposed to be about working from the inside out and finally coming to terms with actual feelings rather than numbing them. i truly fail to see the point in ‘talking around’ the real issue some is having rather than just being real. listen to the person for fuck sake, don’t just regurgitate some lame ass bullshit all of us old timers already know. that wasn’t the question when i said “i’m struggling with a friend and could use someone with experience in <X> please find me after the meeting.”

the stakes are that if i cut off all ties with the ONE neighbor i’ve connected to since moving here 3 years ago. i go back to being an island of 1. no more visits from her daughter, who i totally identify with in having an erratic and undependable mother, and yes, i do worry about her safety. i get that i can’t save her and she already knows i won’t support her actions when she’s on one bender of another. she learned she couldn’t come over and ‘nod out’ on me and leave me to take care of her 6yo daughter for instance. we’ve already had that conversation and for awhile she learned i’d only tolerate visits when she’s ‘with it’ and present. all good easy peasy… until today.

as much as my instagram feed shows a beautiful view, and seemingly tranquil life, nothing could be further from the truth.

i’m alone, in a town where i don’t know anyone. and i’ve been through heel and back in just 3 short years.

when you get sober you’ll lose a lot of people in your life. i was prepared for that and once i did get rid of the enablers things finally began to change. what i wasn’t prepared for is losing regular friends as well. people who’ve let friendships slip away for some unknown reason and just ghost you as though you’re the bad guy.

logic says i’m supposed to know that ‘that says more about them then me’ but that’s not how feelings and emotions work. you can’t logic your way out of hurt feelings and loneliness.

by cutting off someone i clearly cannot help, i do in fact end up being even more lonely than i was before. that’s the part no one wanted to listen long enough to hear. no one ever wants to stick around long enough to heard the ‘real’ stuff. instead…

“Here’s your platitude for the day. Keep in the 24hours and tomorrow’s another day.”

yeah…fuck you and no regrets either.

Dear Dad, thank you for calling…

Dear Dad, thank you for calling…

I look at it this way Pops. Our futures have intertwined so that both us may come to know a final peace and understanding of ourselves. I’ve always known the only way through any or all of this was was by having to find a way to not only forgive and forget, but to also remember the love that was there as well.

If you’re willing to reach out today and ask for help, and I’m more than touched that you did. Than let’s find that peaceful journey for you to the next chapter of you life and in turn both our lives as father and son. I picked a beautiful spot by a pond with wildlife galore. Come and enjoy it with me…

I’m sorry your wife wants to move on right now. I can’t imagine how difficult or painful that must be while continuing to combat the effects of parkinson’s on a daily basis. We can and will find a way to provide better for you including living with me in a two bedroom home already outfitted with support bars in the bath and shower and your own bedroom to boot. (I planned it that way when I moved here two years ago,)

You’ve always trusted me to handle complex paperwork for you. When I was younger and there were all sorts of health insurance forms or union documents to read and figure out you always turned to me for help. It was out bonding time together. I loved when you’d trust me because you knew I was smart and I’d get a kick out of seeing you smile like “Oh yeah, I get it now. Thanks!” I never knew it was from the dyslexia you’d grown up with all your life. I enjoyed the trust and you trusted me in turn.

I was proud to be the son of a union factory worker. You worked you way to shop steward by reading and re-reading all of the contracts and union books. You always had a strong sense of right and wrong when it came to the working man and you’d go to bat for them. Some of the best memories I have is going to union hall meetings with all the cigarette smoking and guys yelling at the mic;s in the aisles. You never gave up and you never took a hand out either. I remember more than a few strikes and picket lines too.

I’ve never forgotten where I came from Pops…

I can safely say that after spending more than just a few 24 hours “on the inside” of more than a couple dozen rehabs and psych wards. I fully understand the fear of having your life upended and landing somewhere when you no longer decide what bedtime is or where or when you get to take a walk. It’s scary and I totally get it. That’s why I need you to trust me now and let’s get you someplace safe. Hopefully with me here in Massachusetts. If you’re going to need 24 hour care for medication reminders every three hours, I’m more than willing to do that for you.

I’m glad you called this evening. And I’m even more glad that you acknowledged I was angry but that you were willing to move on. That meant a lot to me. So if you’ll trust me once again to get you to the next step I’m ready when you are.

Your Son, ~R

Winner Takes All…

Winner Takes All…

From one of my favorite stories of the Big Book of A.A. Winner takes all is about a young woman born legally blind but keenly aware she was the lesser wanted child of her siblings. This is the last chapter of the story and it was the one that gave me my Aha moment. Regardless of how things do or don’t turn out with my Father. None of that is relevant. Today is relevant. What I choose to think and feel is relevant. How my actions reflect those thoughts and feelings are relevant.

It’s hard when you have to say goodbye to a parent, especially one who’s still living. I don’t hate my Father but I don’t like him either and that’s a very valid feeling. I wish him the best in whatever capacity that might mean for him today. For myself? I’m moving forward to continue my healing process.

Hope for me are the positive things I can see on the horizon. Those in the front window of my imaginary car. The rear view mirror serves me no purpose any longer. It’s utility is reserved only for short and subtle reminders of where I’ve been and where I never want to return.

Although my Father may have been the primary cause for stuffing and swallowing my feelings of guilt and shame all these years. That doesn’t mean it’s a permanent state of being. The choice is mine, on a daily basis.

Today. Today I choose to be happy and I hope you’ll do the same. ~R

Screen Shot 2018-09-10 at 11.17.09 AM

%d bloggers like this: