From an email to myself on 12/6/18, 7:32 AM

From an email to myself on 12/6/18, 7:32 AM

first – was at the doctors and while i was trying to share or explain what was going on the doctor kept yelling at me “when are you just going to get better?” “why don’t you know what’s happening to you?” and then he just leaves me sitting there…i wake up

second – the double paned tilt in windows were flapping in the bedroom, i’m not sure how it started, i wake up with in a panic (this is in the dream) and my eyes are rapidly scanning for what’s wrong and one of my cats is stuck in between one of them where the locks are, she’s pinned, not crying out, just looking at me sadly and that she just wants to be out…i wake up

third – bertha and my dad are coming to my house, supposedly to check on me or help me. rapidly changing scenes of me trying to hide because i know they’ll just make me feel bad. yet i know i need to let them (or someone inside to help me) that i’m not okay on my own but they’re the last people i’d want here to begin with. darting back and forth with panic wondering which way they’ll try to get in. i cycle back and forth between wanting and needing help and the fear and panic that they’ll hurt me…emotionally. night turns to 4am, my dusk to dawn light is a searing bright white, they’re coming towards the stairs and suddenly the front steps are full of various boxes and other items making hard for them to navigate but i can see there’s still a narrow path. when i see the path i panic and my stomach drops. i lurch to my father’s voice in my head, muffled but the message and feeling are familiar. i’d failed and disappointed him again and then i see the look in his eyes, they say everything and he looks down while walking away. it’s a familar look and a very familiar feeling as he walks away, he always walks away…i wake up.

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