Living With Anxiety During Covid…

Living With Anxiety During Covid…

I’ve been dreading checking in here because I truly don’t know where to begin. Like every one else’s story there’s pre-covid and then there’s whatever it is we’re all calling where we all are right now.

The journey continues on all fronts. Still getting my bearings after landing here on the south coast after a lifetime in Boston. Living and working in Boston’s Back Bay & South End are some of the best memories of my life. And therein lies the rub…

I arrived in Boston in the early 80’s fresh from L.A and landed in a shared apartment in Allston. Seven of us in some weird configuration of a three bedroom apartment on Kelton. We were L.A. kids winging it month to month using old pizza boxes to sled down the street during our first winter. My roommates worked in retail or coffee shops & salons and we all made enough to cover rent as well as n active nightlife in Kenmore Square.

I’ll visit my twenties another time though. Tonight is just a check in. A way to resume writing about what’s going on during this truly unprecedented time in all of our lives.

There’s been some clarity and progress in putting this puzzle together. And that’s definitely what recovering from childhood trauma feels like even after all these years. There’s no time table to when “it” all starts making sense. There’s no time table on when you’ll find the beginning of your own personal thread. You just keep working at them and eventually the burden is supposed to lift…right riiight?

Has my mental health improved? Yes. Has that been because of access to direct one on one in person counseling here on the South Coast of Massachusetts? Definitely not. The same can be said for routine medical care, a topic covered in previous posts and too painful to revisit. (I re-read one this evening and it gutted me. Funny how making progress works.)

I’m a party of one and I’m also among one of Covid’s scarier demographics. That is male over the age of 50 with at least 2-3 underlying health risks. Nothing like a pandemic to bring things into focus when it comes to “getting your affairs in order”. No no no, not that and not yet.

What I hope to write about is my putting all my legal and health paperwork in order. Things like trusts, wills, DNR’s etc. We all think we’ll complete them but in reality we just ignore it until a pandemic changes that for you. If I’m going to avoid one of the scariest things I could ever imagine happening to me at the end of life than I better get started. I’m not dying alone in a hospital and that’s that.

That means getting back to not only a daily routine of cooking, cleaning, litter boxes, mowing the lawn, cleaning the gutters and on and on as well as and tackling more complex things like finding a notary during #covid. I’ve never had to file these things before and don’t make it a habit to seek out city offices. The #anxiety and thought of that pre-covid was already sky high. Add to the mix having to navigate public spaces where the use of masks by ‘other’ people is questionable at best and it’s downright terrifying.

It’s time to tackle the stack of childhood photos I’ve been avoiding yet carrying around a box all these years, in hopes that I can resolve the other side of my story. The story of my Mother through photos. Back to 1960’s Los Angeles and the Hollywood of the 1970’s & 80’s. Back to where it all began no matter how painful it may be and regardless if we’re in the middle of a pandemic.

So. I may be a little banged up and bruised up along the way but I’m still standing. I’d lost hope there for a bit but the #MeToo movement picked me up and gave me a reason to share my story. This is a continuation of that conversation with myself.

I gave up drinking 15 years ago  and I can honestly say that nothing has been harder than learning how to live with clinically diagnosed #anxiety in the time of #covid19.

If you’re struggling with the fallout from childhood sexual abuse please know that it does get better. If you have access to Telehealth I encourage you to reach out to your providers as soon as you can.

Telehealth has been a life saver. It’s allowed me to reconnect with a previous therapist from Boston, one I had to give up due to a grueling drive, but thanks to FaceTime I finally feel connected again.

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